I was the one whose cup needed to be filled today. We had our monthly ladies gathering and usually I'm most comfortable in the hostess role, serving others, filling others cups. Today I didn't feel up to it. I couldn't really put my finger on it. I even hesitated on committing to the date for weeks and couldn't figure out why it was so hard for me to just settle on a date which usually takes only a few minutes to pick.
After sort of floating through the day, I got home I realized that it's the anniversary of when I got diagnosed with Crohn's disease. The body remembers even when the thinking brain doesn't. That was a tough day, a tough procedure, pain and starving for weeks, and ultimately getting really hard news.
It's been 4 years. I've done a LOT of emotional work to process so much of what led to my disease and the effects the disease had on my family. I am in a really good place. But trauma and painful memories are like layers of an onion. You can heal and then another layer becomes exposed to teach you something new.
To be raw with you for a second, the theme emerging from this layer of healing is vulnerability and openness to receive. I've always aimed to be self-sufficient, never needing help, never inconveniencing anyone, never appearing weak. That's a huge factor of what got me so deep into the sickness to begin with.
The Lord has been revealing this to me over the past few weeks that it's time to start allowing people in and not being so hard of heart towards receiving love and help from others. It seems like literally every time I've been in mass over the last few weeks they sing The Servant Song. It brings me to tears every time I hear it and I know the Holy Spirit is working hard on me right now. The kicker of the song is not only about serving others, but "Pray that I might have the grace to let you be my servant too."
That day there was an angel nurse who spoke so much life into me. I was crying about my diagnosis (only about 15 minutes out of anesthesia, which is also such a cruel time to be given such news!) I have no idea what she said, but she gave me apple juice and she poured light all over the darkness that I was fighting. She was right, whatever she said. I survived it all and I am feeling amazing and I am healed. I claim that healing. I also claim the healing that is still happening today and tomorrow and every single day within me, my family, and right now with my willingness to show others that I need them and I can't keep trying to have it all together all the time.
I write as part of my healing. When I sat down I thought this post was going to be about forgiveness. Forgiving myself for the pain that we all went through. Allowing my body to forgive. Finding peace. But this lesson that's been knocking at my door for the past month just seemed to emerge as I sat at the keyboard. The Holy Spirit is so amazing and literally pursues you with loving hugs and signs and encouragement while carrying you through the next transformation -- if you're open to it. It feels so insane sometimes how personalized the messages can feel and how they can just come out of nowhere. This is life in the Holy Spirit and I love every second of it.
I'm Lisa Yau